Pigeon Intelligence
or Dirty Solutions for Delicate Issues
He couldn’t believe his
eyes when he read that title. He pushed up his glasses onto his beak. He snuffled
a bit as usual when something irritated him. Mara, his wife usually ragged him
for that. He could almost hear her as she was saying in an objective manner: “Edwin,
please blow your beak or stop snuffling. You are driving me crazy.”
However, Mara wasn’t
there with him, so the expected nagging never came. Edwin was listening if the
voice of Mara echoed from the kitchen. The woman could mostly hear everything
even at a distance and could criticize even from farther. Now nothing.
He mostly enjoyed his
morning coffee by the settled table with the smell of the freshly washed
tablecloth and with the sight of the glimmering, white sugar bowl. Mara has
always arranged everything nicely; the dining room was sparkling of
cleanliness, not a speck of dust sprawling on the sideboard, merry tablecloths,
smiley red apples in the bowls and carefully ironed curtains on the valances of
the windows created the cosy atmosphere of their home. The love of order, the
fact that she makes everything well-ordered and sparkling making the simple
pleasures of life truly enjoyable were the reasons why Edwin fell in love with
his wife in the first place and has always been attracted to this slim pigeon girl
regardless of her usual ticking off.
Edwin could not think of order and tidiness, he was
deep in thought because of something else which was engaging his mind. He
leaned forward carefully analysing the letters. No matter how many times he
checked them, he saw the same. He would never have said about himself that he
were especially intelligent. He knew that he had brains and could make good use
of his knowledge in life. However, the word intelligent was used with a
sarcastic overtone in this newspaper. He glanced at the writing under the last
column and deciphered the name of the author, a certain Neat F Marten.
“That goddamn predator scribbler.” He felt his hackles
rise when he thought of the marten and could recall the provocative look of the
journalist with its shiny black and small pointed nose and neat moustache. When
he first caught sight of the marten, he thought that it was sly looking because
of its cunning smile, but then he brushed aside his apprehension. “Martens
generally seem to be sneaky” – he ended his dilemma with this thought.
Nevertheless, his suspicion was further aroused when
the journalist revealed the name of the newspaper: Hygiene Review for Immaculate Newscast. He perfectly knew that in
spite of its name it was a rag with disparaging columns, jokes created by pigs
and with the pictures of lecherous female animals. It is a tabloid for the
educated young generations, who enjoy chewing the fat behind the mask of
culture.
He knew well, still he stupidly overlooked his worries
now hoping that the interview – exceptionally – was in the interest of the youth.
A deep sniff, then eavesdropping. Nothing. Seemingly Mara is deeply lost in
thought. “She mustn’t see the article. If she knew what it was about.” Edwin
looked around to make sure he was sitting completely alone in the dining room.
He turned back and could glance at the fluttering skirt of Mara at the kitchen
door. Then he again bent over the newspaper. It is better if he reads it
through quickly then throws it in the bin unnoticed.
Neat F Marten: The bar called the
Fierce Fox seems to be a nice place for the eye; however, it is better to
keep your hands on the table. The place for our latest interview is an especially
stuffy restaurant offering several visual pleasures, where lots of irresistible
fox girls meet the desires of the guests, but touching is rewarded with a bite.
Gaping is allowed and worthy as well. I did not choose the place – but I am not
complaining – the choice shows the preference of Professor Edwin, the head of
the Department of Pigeon Sociology at the University of Animal Science and the
president of the JFRP (Join Forces for
the Rights of Pigeons). Professor or President, I do not know which address
you prefer – could you tell our readers why our way led to this place?
Professor Edwin: (coughs) As a matter of
fact, I thought that the Fierce Fox
is a kind of whisky. (laughs) I have always wanted to try it. Not that I would
be so keen on alcohol, of course.
Neat F Marten: Obviously, we have
never thought otherwise. Dear Professor, the topic of our article is the
judgement of the behaviour of pigeons in view of the 21st century
animal communities. The issue has been common talk for a long time and it is
still relevant. According to the latest research – which has recently been
published by Swedish pigeon experts – most animals are still critical of the
behaviour of pigeons. Despite the fact that for some time scientific reviews of
pigeon sociology have been discussing the question on the basis of new aspects.
If I am not mistaken you have published several well-known essays on the
subject.
Professor Edwin: Indeed, I have always
devoted particular attention to this issue. Obviously, I have never wanted to
claim untrue things about pigeons. Consequently, my essays are not written – if
I can use that expression – with the intention of making excuses for pigeons.
Therefore I have been condemned by many during my career; still I have always
been proud of my objective way of looking at things. The fact is that pigeons
have developed many odd habits; however, there is a complex combination of
social factors behind these habits.
Neat F Marten: Could you give our
readers some examples of the research you are most proud of?
Professor Edwin:(wandering) First of all, I would mention my lectures on
transport situations.
Neat F Marten: If my information is correct, this will be your lecture series
titled the Pigeon vs. Bicycle.
Professor Edwin: Yes, you are well informed. Indeed, according to my
observations most of my kind – obeying learned behaviour patterns – cannot get
away from rushing bicycles and get hit by them.
In my lectures, I studied those complex psychological and
social pressures that determine this mechanism. My starting–point is that the
cyclers appear as the suppressor in similar situations and provoke
contradictory reactions from the oppressed, the pedestrian (in this case from
pigeons) such as the suicidal behaviour. Many deny whether pigeons had suicidal
tendencies, although unfortunately there is something in it.
It is important to ask: where the self-destructive behaviour
comes from? The society of cyclers have no consideration for the road habits of
pigeons (which is the traffic culture of food searching and gazing) and the
group representing the desire for speed considers the contemplating group as
subordinates. Pigeons in this subordinate relationship unconsciously face the
risk as a solution.
Neat F Marten: These thoughts seem to be especially fascinating. We
heartily recommend them to our readers. Similar thoughts are expressed in your
dissertation titled Rubbish Eating Habit
of Pigeons as a Serious Form of Social Deviance. Could you tell us some
words of that as well?
Professor Edwin: (with kindling eyes) This is my second favourite topic. I
am glad you have asked. The essence of my dissertation is - although it is not
easy to sum it up briefly and concisely – that pigeons take up the habit of
rubbish eating because of external and strong labelling. It derives from the
misbelief that pigeons are unclean already from their birth.
Obviously, it is only a social concept; however, pigeons as
they cannot do otherwise meet the expectations of society. This is the same
phenomenon as the Good Baby Bird – Bad
Baby Bird effect. If someone is genuinely presented in a negative way, after
a while they adopt the negative role. It is a long way to go before we can free
ourselves from labelling. We also have to learn a lot in order to remove these
stigmas.
Neat F Marten: According to these, you work to ensure that pigeons will
be placed in a more favourable light in the future by other animals. Your
essays are written with this intention without any partiality and
misrepresentation, admitting fixations and irritating habits as well.
Professor Edwin: That is right. My aim is to realize our mistakes and
uncover the reasons behind them and free the pigeons from the already mentioned
negative roles.
Neat F Marten: It is very interesting
what you are saying. Especially, because we hear all these things from the
mouth - my apologies – from the beak of a pigeon, whose name is linked with the
shocking story usually mentioned as the infamous Dropping Incident.
Professor Edwin: (becoming embarrassed)
I have no idea what you are hinting at.
Neat F Marten: Let me refresh your
memory. I am thinking of the incident when during a parliamentary debate (before
the political transition) – I quote – you “shit on” the shoulder of a mankind during
the dispute titled Who Should Be Banned
from Public Places?
Pigeons or Tramps? Tell me how you wanted to represent other pigeons with your deed?
Pigeons or Tramps? Tell me how you wanted to represent other pigeons with your deed?
Professor Edwin: (tries to stay calm) I do not deny that it happened so and
it does not convey a good impression of pigeons. However, let me pin down that
the incident started with the dung of the mankind at my feet.
Neat F Marten: Really? Nevertheless, we should not withhold the truth
from the readers: the mankind, a fellow member of the party did that in order
to protest against the intolerable behaviour of pigeons. Or, do you deny that
pigeons of public places – similarly to you – tend to poo on the heads of
passers-by?
Professor Edwin: No, I do not deny that.
Sometimes it happens, but neither of other animals does take into consideration
where it is proper to defecate.
Neat F Marten: Please, do not get away
from the subject.
Professor Edwin: (taking a deep sniff)
Notice that in the case of the dog waste bins, you always find dog faeces next
to them instead of inside. I do not understand why pigeons have to be reviled.
The time of the mankind is over. They should be happy to entertain the visitors
for good money in decent conditions at the gardens of the Homo sapiens.
Neat F Marten: This is not about dogs, and I have no intention of
criticizing. I would also ask you to refrain from making insulting comments.
This is a liberal newspaper. It is highly regrettable what has happened to the mankind
since the transition. I would like to highlight the interesting fact that such
an intelligent pigeon like you find such low-minded solutions. Would you write
an essay about that?
Professor Edwin: You are making fun of me. I, for my part, have finished.
(stands up and leaves)
Neat F Marten: Dear Readers, the
interview ended at this stage. The objective notification of information was
swept away by intense emotions. I am lucky since the fox waitress has promised
me a Dirty Pigeon cocktail, and I
hope that in spite of its name it is drinkable. A piece of advice for our
readers: whatever your position is on the issue, never shit on each other.
The ordered small table was thumped with such force
scattering the sugar bowl and everything around on it that Mara flipped out of
the kitchen terrified. When she got there, the tableware was smashed into pieces,
the feathers of Edwin were covered with brown, sticky coffee and he was
franticly kicking everything that got in his way.
Some of the pieces of the torn paper were dancing in
the air then landed on the crown of the head of her beloved husband. Seeing all
the mess Mara’s heart stopped beating for a second.
-
My goodness, are you
crazy? – breathed the pigeon woman flabbergasted. It seemed to her that steam
of fury came out of Edwin’s beak.
-
Mara! Bring the laxative.
– said Edwin fuming while with his wing he was trying to clear away a brown
spot from his forehead.
-
I would like to deliver a
nice packet for a marten acquaintance.
Translated by Éva Gizella Osztényi
Graphics: Erika Balanyi
